Healthy Marriage

"No matter who told you the facts of life, I'll bet they left out one: intimacy becomes more difficult when you become a parent." -Michelle Cortright

Of course, her point is less that it becomes more difficult and more that it, "takes more time and energy, two resources in short supply when you are juggling kids and careers."  She is speaking primarily to wives/mothers, though this seems to be a two-sided issue by nature. Cortright claims that "experts" believe the answer lies in developing healthy habits in your marriage.  However, she adds that the demands of life, coupled with our spouse's presence, morning and night, make it easy married couples to take their spouse "for granted." Yet a healthy marriage does require both time and energy, and, "There are no shortcuts, and there is no way to avoid it."  She argues that the best approach is, "to get to it."  Is it really as simple as that?

Perhaps Cortright is right.  Having a healthy marriage doesn't really require anything complicated.  There is nothing complex about patience and hard work.  Perhaps the difficulty is not in the complexity so much as effort it requires.

Michelle Cortright's point is derived from "a wise old country song."  It goes like this: "' [Love] isn't something that you have, it's something that you do.'"  So, at least Cortright agrees that effort is the first ingredient in a healthy marriage. How can you put more effort into being intimate in your marriage?  "Make the choice to treat your husband like a king," says Cortright.  One might presume that the converse is also true (i.e. husbands choosing to treat their wives as queens).

That's her theory.  Regarding the nuts and bolts of implementation, Cortright does provide practicle ideas, which we've listed below:

·         Cultivate the "butterflies" you used to have when speaking to your spouse.

·         Dates and candlelight dinners in work wonders (ditch the kids first).

·         Break up the routine with some spontaneity.

·         Use a daily (not monthly or weekly) calendar to ensure that your marriage is a priority.

·         Make your kisses last: at least 5 seconds.

·         Pretend you are having an affair with your husband (this may or may not be good advice, depending on a lot of variables).

·         Use any excuse to touch him.

That last idea there is tested and approved: men generally like physical intimacy.  There are always exceptions, particularly in the context of a specific situation (e.g. he's sick with the flu), but it is often a very good way for wives to get their husbands feeling more romantic.  Sometimes the tendency is for wives to use sex as a reward/benefit when husband does something nice or romantic (like cooking a candlelit dinner), but try reversing it: sex can be an incentive and excellent mood-setter.

Cortright concludes with two other important, key suggestions: (1) make a permanent commitment to stay together, period; and (2) communicate.  At Marriage Matters, we believe these are two of the most important ingredients to building any healthy, happy marriage.