A previous divorce has profound effects on a young couple.

Lee Ann and I were meeting with a couple that is planning on getting married.  They both have a previous marriage in their past, and we can see that their marital history is impacting their new marriage.  It’s no wonder that remarriages divorce at twice the normal rates. 

We were talking about their finances when problems started to emerge.  By the way, more couples fight over money than anything else.  I asked the couple if they both know how much each other has in their check book.  They looked at each other, smiled and said no.  They were planning on keeping two checkbooks, one with his money in it and one with her money in it.  You see, they were both burned through divorce, and so they wanted to keep it simple in the event that the relationship didn’t work out. 

But that’s not what marriage is.  Marriage is not two people coming together and living as one, you can do that with your college roommate.  Marriage is when two people come together and become one.  They live as one and they think as one.  Do you and your spouse think as one?  If not, why not seek out a marriage mentor that can help you think through this important issue in marriage. 

Pictures are of great importance to me, the hubby recognizes that and even encourages it! Not only my shutterbug habits but also my scrapbooking. He likes paintball and hockey and since he has a desk job if the opportunity comes up for him to play either (and we have the time) I encourage him to go. Those two things are easy and obvious but what about the less obvious things? Hubby hates dirty dishes in the sink, I don't like them either but after cooking I'm not really in the mood to do them right away. This drives him crazy. Really what would it hurt for me to spend an extra 5-20 min doing them no instead of later? Then when he gets home he wouldn't have to see that mess first thing as he walks into the house. This would make his nights so much more relaxing. Hubby knows I cherish time with him especially when I'm sick, yesterday I was SICK. He was so good about sticking with me, checking in on me when I was sleeping. I don't think he has any idea how much that meant to me he just knew it was the right thing to do. Just making sure that we are aware of each others priorities and then making them a priority ourselves I think we could eliminate a lot of the 'everyday' frustration in marriage.

Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least.

We were coming home from church last week and Emily, our 15-year-old said in a chipper way, “I’ve got a basketball game on Monday at home, Tues, away, Thursday away, Friday at home and a weekend volleyball tournament three hours away.  Who wants to drive me around?”

I looked at her mother as if to ask, who allowed this to happen. 

She looked back at me as if to say, “Chip off the old block!”

That afternoon we compared scheduled, and we managed to get everything covered, but I have to tell you, it wasn’t easy.  I was tempted to let Lee Ann take on the entire responsibility.  That way, I could do all the important things I need to get done. 

But the truth of the matter is, there are not too many more important things in my life than to raise my daughter, and that includes spending time with her in the car while we’re driving to the games.  Plus, Lee Ann and I have really enjoyed going to the games together.  Not only does it encourage our daughter, but we encourage each other by just being together. 

So, the next time your kids hit you with their busy schedule, welcome the challenge and figure out a way to build your relationships. 

Its so easy to do, I come home pick up the house, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, and then sit down and watch TV with my honey. Then then next night it's the same thing, It is so easy to get stuck in the same ol' same ol' every night. In my experience this leads to complacency. Complacency is a marriage killer. We need to always be striving to improve our marriage even if we think its perfect. I just recieved a comment on this post that had a very good point so I would like to make an extra observation. The reason this is bad for my spouse and I (because this is my nightly routine) is because we don't ever talk. We eat in front of the TV and then we go to bed or work on our own projects. No wonder our communication is lacking. This however is not as bad as it could be. Take the time to evaluate your own 'rut' and how it is impacting your marriage. If you are not spending anytime together (as the commenter pointed out) then obviously that is causing a problem. Thanks so much for your comment!

No one would every call me a quite person I'm a talker there is no doubt about it but do people understand what I'm saying. There seems to be some un-written rule between the hubby and I that we can read each others minds...ummm no. Why is it that we assume that our spouse will automatically understand what we are saying and then get mad/frustrated when they don't. I don't know when you need me to move left unless you tell me to and you don't know that I'm talking about Iowa not MN unless I clarify that. It seems simple enough, why don't we just communicate more clearly?? Humm that is something I need to work on.

Our kids need to see that our first priority is to our spouse, not to them. 

Its so easy to take for granted the things your spouse does for you, they are supposed to, right? Ok in theory yes we are supposed to serve each other but that doesn't mean its easy, or that we don't want to be appreciated. Almost every night my husband makes sure I have a lunch ready to go for work the next day (if I forgot) gets the dog food ready for Cooper and makes a smoothie for both of us and puts it in the fridge. These things together easily save me 20-30 min each and every morning. But I can't remember the last time I said thank you. So don't forget to say thank you once in a while.

When it comes to reaching out for help, don’t wait too long. 

A few weeks ago, I ran into a woman that had recovered from breast cancer.  She was meeting with a family that had just lost their mother to the disease.  After words, she told me privately that the reason she was spared the same fate as her friend was that they caught her cancer early enough to treat it.  Every year, she went in for an exam, and it was during one of those exams that they caught it.  There is an 80% recovery rate if it is caught before it spreads to the lymph glands. 

Like with breast cancer, many marriages meet their doom because people wait too long to seek out help.  A constant complaint among marriage counselors and mentors is that couples wait too long before they call.  For instance, one couple that Lee Ann and I are meeting with now are headed for a divorce that could have been prevented if they had called us 6 months ago.  Their procrastination has allowed their problems to cement, and it’s next to impossible for them fix it.

If you are struggling in your marriage, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. 

Its the end of 2009 and I'm excited for 2010! This is a time for new starts and resolutions so how about this one "I resolve to make my marriage better this year." This doesn't mean its bad now but it can always get better right? Here are some ideas: 1. Have a designated time a week of quality time together (my parents have been doing this for the past few years.) 2. Look through your marriage and make a plan to improve one thing (communication anyone?) 3. Study the Bible together. 4. Find a hobby you both like to do. 5. Go out on a 'real' date more often. 6. De clutter your lives from the need of stuff. Anyone else have an idea or two?

I’m surprised at how things change when we focus on the bright side of things.

Last week we took our three kids down to visit my folks in sunny Florida for the holidays. This time, instead of making the twenty-four hour car ride, I had some extra frequent flyer miles so we flew. The way down was amazing. We had no problems getting through security. There were no long waits in the airport. We rode in a big, new plane that had only one other flight under its wings. Everything was perfect.

However, the way home was a different story. Half of our luggage got dumped out by security who was looking for a shampoo bottle that had 4 oz. of liquid instead of the federally mandated 3 oz. Then, we had a 2 hour delay in the airport. Once we got on our plane, we were jammed in like sardines into seats too small, surrounded by people that were too big. Half way through the flight, it was clear that everyone was grumpy, except my oldest son. He said, “If we were driving, we still have about 12 hours to go, but at this rate we should be home in about an hour.” He was choosing to look on the bright side of things, and it changed everyone’s disposition.

So it is in our marriages. When we look on the bright side of things, we are happier and more fun to be around. Simply put, if you want a healthy, happy marriage, choose to look on the bright side of things.